Practice, I guess
Jan. 22nd, 2012 02:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
msarachnidJust posting a rant, maybe, to practice cutting and image-posting and whatever.
I'm tired and scared and I have to go back to college tomorrow and I don't really want to go because.
I still don't have my observation hours. Like, NO ONE was letting me observe. What am I supposed to do? And, now, I am going back TOMORROW so yeah this is pretty much the end of the line. My advisor e-mailed me some places I could go up by my school, but I don't drive, I can't get there.
And then my mother tried to make it All My Fault, because when she was 16 she was "taking the train into the city alone and didn't have anyone there to hold her hand". Well, sorry Mother, bt you didn't grow up in suburbia where trains do not exist. And she told me it was MY FAULT the letter didn't get mailed. Again, she told me she would take care of it, she'd fax it and it would be faster so I wouldn't have to worry, and everything would be fine.
Why do I keep believing her?
Of course it will not be okay. No she will not take care of it, and it will be my fault that the letter didn't get mailed, because, instead of using the same system we've had for years where my father takes out the mail in the morning, I was supposed to "take the initiative and be an adult" and mail it myself. After the mail came.
Does she realize how much more she makes me hate me? That she is probably the reason I do? Because every time I start thinking that it'll be okay, everything might work out okay!, it's what she's told me that comes out and tells me how wrong I am. And how can I not listen? It's the truth.
This break:
I have done NOTHING worth mentioning. Tomorrow, they will certainly be asking, and what do I get to say? Washing dishes. Because, really, that's all I've done. I wanted to do so much stuff, especially for this fandom. I was going to get over my fear of drawing and draw a music video or something, fill a bunch of prompts, do some crossovers, and
what did I do?
Honestly, maybe I did do more than just wash dishes. Yes, that's right. I had some Freak-Outs, a random burst of violence, and tried to get my cat to love me again (which was pretty useless, by the way. Even if he does like me again, he'll just go back to HATING again when I leave. But my hands are all dry and cracked and bloody from all that water.
Please forgive my butchering of the German language, I should really just stick to English, but: Ich hasse mich und ich will sterben.
All these Soviet!Russia shimeji on my screen are a pretty accurate representaion of my mood right now. Maybe.
I'm tired and scared and I have to go back to college tomorrow and I don't really want to go because.
I still don't have my observation hours. Like, NO ONE was letting me observe. What am I supposed to do? And, now, I am going back TOMORROW so yeah this is pretty much the end of the line. My advisor e-mailed me some places I could go up by my school, but I don't drive, I can't get there.
And then my mother tried to make it All My Fault, because when she was 16 she was "taking the train into the city alone and didn't have anyone there to hold her hand". Well, sorry Mother, bt you didn't grow up in suburbia where trains do not exist. And she told me it was MY FAULT the letter didn't get mailed. Again, she told me she would take care of it, she'd fax it and it would be faster so I wouldn't have to worry, and everything would be fine.
Why do I keep believing her?
Of course it will not be okay. No she will not take care of it, and it will be my fault that the letter didn't get mailed, because, instead of using the same system we've had for years where my father takes out the mail in the morning, I was supposed to "take the initiative and be an adult" and mail it myself. After the mail came.
Does she realize how much more she makes me hate me? That she is probably the reason I do? Because every time I start thinking that it'll be okay, everything might work out okay!, it's what she's told me that comes out and tells me how wrong I am. And how can I not listen? It's the truth.
This break:
I have done NOTHING worth mentioning. Tomorrow, they will certainly be asking, and what do I get to say? Washing dishes. Because, really, that's all I've done. I wanted to do so much stuff, especially for this fandom. I was going to get over my fear of drawing and draw a music video or something, fill a bunch of prompts, do some crossovers, and
what did I do?
Honestly, maybe I did do more than just wash dishes. Yes, that's right. I had some Freak-Outs, a random burst of violence, and tried to get my cat to love me again (which was pretty useless, by the way. Even if he does like me again, he'll just go back to HATING again when I leave. But my hands are all dry and cracked and bloody from all that water.
Please forgive my butchering of the German language, I should really just stick to English, but: Ich hasse mich und ich will sterben.
All these Soviet!Russia shimeji on my screen are a pretty accurate representaion of my mood right now. Maybe.
